 | Lovegevity Q & A Send a Question to our Experts. It Takes Two2 Tango Communication for Couples Who Wish To Achieve A World Class Marriage By Ralph Jones & Patty Howell, Ed.M., A.G.C., Authors of How to Have a World Class Marriage Get personal advice on your relationship from the authors of How To Have A World Class Marriage! Send your 100-word limit description in the he said/she said format to TangoComm@aol.com. Do you and your partner have a time when whatever you say makes things worse, and you don't know what to do to make things better? It feels terrible. Maybe we can help. Our e-mail, hot-line service can give you new ways to handle these problems - changing tangles into tangos. Here's how. Either one or both of you write a short description (up to 100 words) of the problem and your unsatisfying communications efforts (including any he said/she/said dialog you remember) and e-mail it to TangoComm@aol.com. It takes Two to Tango! When the two of you are not in step, drop us a line. Help is only an e-mail away! Ask Laurie Ask Drs. Moschetta Ask Elizabeth Pantley | Dear Ralph and Patty, Husband: The other day when I was driving, my wife shrieked at me for the hundredth time, once again thinking I was close to an accident although there was no real danger. She's the worst back-seat driver you can imagine. I'm an excellent driver, which she admits in her calmer moments, yet nothing I say seems to keep her from yelling "watch out!"--and that's one of the milder things she screams when I'm trying to drive. -Bob, Oceanside Wife: I know I'm hysterical but I can't stop myself. I get genuinely scared that something's about to hit us and I yell out instinctively. I know this bothers Bob when he's trying to drive and I know that what I say to him hurts his feelings. -Betty, Oceanside Dear Betty, You seem to understand rationally that the problem is not with Bob as a driver but with yourself as an easily scared passenger. However, this gets forgotten during the moments of panic and you blurt our directive or blameful things, which Bob finds annoying and hurtful. There are various approaches you can take to lessen your anxiety and I recommend that you investigate these. Meanwhile, make every effort to communicate your fear about driving accidents in a non-blameful way. Instead of yelling commands or criticisms, yell out "I feel scared!" or whatever I-Message most accurately describes what is going on in you. The goal of this communication is not to change Bob's driving but to communicate your internal state in a way that is emotionally satisfying to you--enough to allow some drain off of the stress you feel. Express yourself to Bob non-blamefully, taking full responsibility for being the kind of person you are, a fearful passenger. This opens the window for Bob to see you as a real person. You may not be comfortable being seen as so fearful, but it doesn't make you any less worthy, and it's much more appealing than being a bossy back-seat driver. If you communicate vulnerably, rather than blamefully, Bob is more likely to respond caringly to you. This change in your communication can increase your closeness during driving. Patty Dear Bob, I get how abrasive it feels when Betty shrieks at your driving! And how ticked off that makes you. And while mayhem may be on your mind, here's a couple of ideas that should work better in the real world: One, communicate your emotions strongly enough to get them off your chest. But talk about you, not her. Like, "I hate it when I get yelled at-I feel so jangled and criticized." (Not, "I hate your crazy yelling and stupid back-seat-driving." Catch the difference!) Then listen carefully. This approach may, over time, strengthen Betty's obvious desire to avoid upsetting you and help her tone down her reactions. Another tack is to try to accept (really surrender to reality) that Betty simply has a hair-trigger danger reaction. That's the way she's wired. Then when she shrieks, try saying to yourself, in a kindly way, "That's Betty!" If you can get a hit of how tough it must be to cope with that much ingrained fear, maybe you could eventually respond with something like, "Boy, that really scared you, didn't it, Sweetheart." Ralph -------------------------------------- You and your partner can change your tangles to Tangos by writing them to Ralph and Patty at TangoComm@aol.com *************************************************** It Takes TwoČ Tango | ||
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