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 Parenting 101 - Parenting Advice
She is My DaughterBy Rebecca Reed Cho  Ever since my daughter was born, I've often rehearsed different answers to what has become known in our family as the "What" question. It happens often, maybe once or twice a month. It usually occurs when my beautiful 5-year-old daughter, Emily, is by my side. I continually field the odd question posed by people whom we do not know. "What is she?" With practice, I have become adept at providing curious individuals with an acceptable, civil response. Although time has prepared me for it and lessened my discomfort regarding this familiar scene, I'm still amazed at the lack of sensitivity with which it is asked. I was not prepared, however, for the pain I saw on Emily's face recently as she asked me, "Was she talking about me? Let's go and tell her that I'm a little girl."My husband Tae, is Asian. Born in Korea, he has been an American citizen since the age of five. I am Caucasian, born in Colorado. Emily is a beautiful combination of the two of us, with jet-black hair, almond-shaped eyes and porcelain-like skin. Most people are being friendly when they ask me the "What" question, genuinely interested in my daughter's heritage and quick to comment on her dimples. Unfortunately, people don't realize that the way in which this question is asked makes a huge difference in the outcome of the conversation. This is especially true, now that many of the remarks are now directed to Emily herself. One man told me what a wonderful thing that I was "doing." (He assumed that I had adopted her from China.) He then leaned down and stared directly into her face, saying, "They throw baby girls in the rivers in China, and they die. Do you know how lucky you are?” Our particular situation does not involve adoption. However, I shudder to think of the impact that statement would have on a child who is adopted. It took me a long time to calm Emily’s anxiety about those Chinese babies in the rivers. Maybe it’s time to replace the infamous “What” question with some positive alternatives. It is a shift that appears to be a growing societal necessity. The cultural mix within my small family is no longer uncommon. Tae and I celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary this year, which puts us into a growing group of people in the United States. In 1950, statistics showed a mere 150,000 mixed-race couples in the United States. At present, in October 2000, more than 1.5 million interracial couples make their home in America. As a result, more than 2 million bi-racial children now live in this country as well.* Currently, there are 39% more births to Japanese-White parents than births to Japanese-Japanese parents..* * This trend is taking place among all racial and ethnic groups. Asian adoptions by American couples further add to the numbers of bicultural families in the United States each year. Some of the most common forms of the “What” question are awkward and at times, a little amusing. “What is she?” seems to be the most common way for people to verbalize their questions about her background if time is limited (in the grocery store check-out line, for example.) Sometimes I see someone trying to formulate the question. As the minutes pass, the person thinks better of it, deciding not to ask at all. I grin sometimes and shake my head at some of the others. “Where did you get her?” and “Did you get her right after she was born?” are two of the most recent ones I’ve heard. (My response to the latter is usually, “Oh, actually about nine months before!” People usually smile as they realize their mistaken assumption.) Very respectful, genuine forms of this question might include, “What is your (her) cultural background?” or “May I ask about your (her) cultural heritage?” These two simple questions, and others like them, will undoubtedly encourage open answers, rich with detail and pride because they were asked with respect. With children as it is with adults, perception is reality. Conversations of this nature will most definitely have some effect on her developing sense of self. Therefore, inherent in these passing words spoken between strangers lies unlimited potential. Carefully-chosen words can create a wonderfully dynamic, positive self-image for any child. After a sensitive, well-worded question regarding her heritage, it is then up to me to provide a positive, upbeat answer for Emily to hear. My words, and the words of the people around her will be instrumental in the development of her healthy outlook on life. I’m sure that I will continue to hear, “What is she?” and all of its variations in the months and years to come. That’s OK, because everyone who asks me will be more confident in asking the same question of someone else in the future. I feel a huge sense of responsibility to create an upbeat, teachable moment each time that the question is asked. I will keep practicing my answers, remaining friendly, open, and honest. So far, my all-time favorite response to the “What” question is probably the most obvious one; it is the one that comes from my heart. “She is my daughter.” *Bi-Racial Statistics Home Page: www.geocities.com/Athens/Oracle/1103/stats.html Futurist magazine, May-June 1993, pg. 54-55 Copyright Rebecca Reed Che. Visit her Web site at www.GlobalGreetings.com.
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