Rule 4: Don’t Be a “Pushover” Parent
By Jeannette Lofas, CSW

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.
– Duke of Windsor

Pushover parents claim:

“I have so little time to be with my kids.”

“The home is a sanctuary, a place to rest and do your own thing.”

“I’d rather do it myself! It’s quicker!”

“There’s so little time to discipline.”

“No need to have them angry at me for the short time I’m with them.”

These used to be the complaints of the visiting father of divorce, and even of the working single mother. Now we hear them voiced by working parents in intact families and even by nonworking parents – all the way across the spectrum of family structures.

Pushover parents can generally be divided into three modes of parenting: peer, laissez-faire, and democratic.

Peer Parenting

In peer parenting, parent and child treat each other as equals, as pals. Kids interact with parents as they might a classmate. It may be politically correct, but it is certainly emotionally incorrect for adults to democratize or devalue their position with their children. As Robert Bly writes in his book, , “Parent and child treat each other like equals who are competitive, vying for love and power, and siblings dissing (disrespecting) each other.”

Laissez-Faire Parenting

Laissez-faire parenting is another popular way of parenting. Essentially, this approach stems from the belief that if we leave the child alone, he or she will figure out the best thing to do and learn on his own.

"Democratic” Parenting

The most widely followed approach is democratic parenting. Here, parents put aside the whole concept of parental hierarchy despite the fact that they have twenty to thirty years of seniority over their children and a lifetime of wisdom. Instead, in a democratic household, everything is up for discussion and debate; rules, curfews, chores, and manners are arrived at “democratically.” This is rarely anything but a disaster because households are not meant to be run by children. Parents are not peers. Pushover parents say “no” but get no results. Instead, they get endless arguments, debates, and “reasons why.” Ultimately, democratic parenting drains away time for closeness. As parent and child bicker for power, they lose their chance for intimacy and the sharing of values.

The bottom line is that parenting without leadership is deadly to a child’s growth and achievement. Contrary to popular belief, it kills the child’s self-esteem. Why? Because children model themselves after their parents. Their self-image is built on who the parent is and is not. If mom/dad is a wimp and lets me get what I want regardless, I disrespect them, speak to them rudely, behave badly, and finally disrespect myself. This is the psychological truth. The child thinks like this: “I am loved as I am taught and cared about. If they teach me nothing and let me be the boss, then I must be worth nothing. So I don’t care about or feel good about myself.”

When parents follow Family Rules, certain behaviors are allowed and others are not. Boundaries are set and are not negotiable. Children have a set bedtime, homework time, and curfews. Children don’t enter their parent’s bedroom at will. Children don’t interrupt. These basics are not debated – they are decided on by adults. Sure, there are exceptions sometimes, but they are exceptions to the established rule. Life is full of rules, rd lights, and green lights. This value is taught in the home.