Taking Charge as Head of the Household
By Jeannette Lofas, CSW

Perhaps one of the biggest manifestations of guilt is the failure to take charge. Many parents give up their position as head of the household, both emotionally and behaviorally. They have succumbed to the popular notion of democratic parenting – the belief that everything is open to discussion and that daily rules and responsibilities can be broken for the slightest reason. This is a typical problem and it’s confusing for children.

Here’s an all-too-recognizable example of this problem:

Howie, The Megawimp Father

Howard is a strikingly good-looking and successful forty-four-year-old investment banker. Daily, he wheels and deals with powerful, moneyed clients. Indeed, at work he is cock of the walk. But at home Howard, whom his kids call Howie, is a megawimp.

Howard is a divorced father with two children – Judy, a twelve-year-old, and Jason, who just turned eight. Both youngsters live with Howard’s ex-wife, a woman he views as a bad-mouthing shrew unfit to be a mother. If he’s lucky, he may see his children two weekends a month.

Angry, worried, and guilt-ridden, Howard is determined to be their best pal and make every visit a thrill a minute, shuttling them from theme park to mall to movie. Instead of giving them tasks, teaching them discipline and values, he showers the kids with gifts. At home he becomes their butler, maid, and cook all wrapped in one. Throughout most of these visits, Judy and Jason alternately run amuck, out-shouting each other, or sit passively on the couch, staring at the television with vacant expressions.

Youngsters are often sad, remote, and withdrawn, even though they may be doing well in school. Symptoms of depression include sullenness, a chip-on-the-shoulder attitude, and anger. Anger is not usually thought of as evidence of depression, but it is. Kids who talk back, don’t listen, and startle us with their seemingly uncalled-for outbursts are often depressed. Often, these actions and other forms of acting out are a call for attention and direction. Yet with today’s time pressures, the needed attention and direction do not come, and the behavior may worsen, leaving parents and teachers bewildered and stymied.

Like many of today’s divorced men with children, Howard is part of a phenomenon known as Disneyland daddies, a new brand of fathers who feel inadequate and thus overlook many of their fathering responsibilities. The result is essentially the “unfathered child.”

Rule 3: Know That Love Is Not About Things or
Expensive Outings It’s About Close Talk and Being Together

Time is more valuable than money because time is irreplaceable.

Love Expressed Through Externals

Watch out for the “do me, buy me” method of parenting. Like Howie’s, it comes from guilt. We buy things for our children because we love them, we genuinely want the best for them…and because we feel guilty. But unless there is enough active caring by the parent, children resort to valuing themselves through things. Love gets interpreted through externals – what their parents buy and do for them.

When children have a real home – with trust, teaching, loving, rules, and boundaries – they have less need to look to outside things to feel valued and important.