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 Parenting 101 - Parenting Advice “Casual Remarks” by Elizabeth Pantley An excerpt from: Hidden Messages: What Our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our Children The Hidden Message “I can talk about you all I want, and since you’re just a child you’re not listening to what I say anyway. You’re not worthy of the same respect I’d give another adult. Besides, this is how I REALLY feel about you, and I don’t care about your feelings—you’re just a kid so your feelings aren’t important.” Think About It If you don’t believe that your children hear your casual remarks, try this: As you chat with a friend or your spouse, casually slip a question in the middle of your conversation. Something along the lines of, “Do you think we should round up the kids and take them out for ice cream?” Be ready to hop in the car when you hear the chorus of, “Yes!” from the four corners of the house. Children do not always react outwardly to what they hear. However, if you could see into their hearts, you would find a record of every careless word, every thoughtless action, every adult laugh, that here, in the most tender and vulnerable of places, was not found so funny. Here would you find also significant—and often, inappropriate—meaning attached to these products of childhood observation. Children struggle through the growing-up process, and along the way they question who they are and what their meaning is to this world and to their parents. A parent’s potent words, and the multitude of other comments, gestures and actions, help a child paint a picture of who he really is, and how important he is in this world. How tragic for that child if, despite how we really feel, that painting is not the masterpiece we envision! Changes You Can Make Given the extreme importance of your words, it simply makes good sense to choose them carefully. From now on, if your child is within hearing distance assume that he may be listening—and don’t say anything about him that you wouldn’t say to him. If you see a bit of yourself in the previous examples, you’re no different than most parents. But that doesn’t mean that this behavior needn’t cease. Such a simple change could have a very positive impact on your children’s lives. As you talk about your children—and let’s face it, they’re among our favorite topics—pay attention to how those words sound from your child’s point of view. If you think that what you’re saying, or about to say, can be construed as hurtful or embarrassing, stop. Talk about something else. If you’re not sure what you’re saying has a negative impact or not, ask yourself how you would feel if you overheard someone talking about you in those exact words. Or perhaps you can ask yourself, “If I were talking about my boss/spouse/best friend to another person, with the object of my comments listening, would I ever say such a thing?” If your answer is a mortified laugh, then stop mid-sentence and rephrase your comments in a more positive way, if you find them absolutely crucial to the conversation. Better yet, find something shining and wonderful to say about your child, and be sure your child hears it. That type of “casual comment” can yield life-enhancing benefits to your children. It may help them compose a more wonderful vision of themselves. An image that they can carry with them for the rest of their lives. (Excerpted with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group Inc. from Hidden Messages What Our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our Children by Elizabeth Pantley, copyright 2001)
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