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 Parenting 101 - Parenting Advice 10 Best Gifts For Your Teen By Patt and Steve Saso  Responding to the ChallengeWhile parents are often at a loss as to how to relate to their teenagers, they nevertheless want to continue to be involved in their teens’ lives. They understand the importance of staying connected, but sometimes feel frustrated and discouraged by the obstacles they face. The ten gifts that we suggest here are indeed the most important gifts that you can give your child during the teen years. While they are immensely valuable, they have nothing to do with your income level or your purchasing power. And what’s even more important to remember, no one but you can give these gifts to your child. The heart of successful parenting of teenagers is the relationship that we form with them. Building a relationship of mutual respect, love, and understanding, and providing support, consistency, structure, and limits—these are the foundations of effective parenting. As the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (1997) reported: Teenagers who have emotional attachments to their parents and teachers are much less likely to use drugs and alcohol, attempt suicide, engage in violence, or become sexually active at an early age. . . . Feeling loved, understood, and paid attention to by parents helps teenagers avoid risky activities, regardless if a child comes from a one- or two-parent family. Our task as parents of adolescents is to build a relationship with them in which they feel understood, loved, valued, challenged, and supported. In order to do this we need to be willing to listen fully to our children, to offer them guidance by sharing our own life experiences, and to set aside time to be available to them. We need to exercise our parental authority by setting reasonable limits and establishing clear consequences. We need to be consistent and follow through on enforcing consequences when limits are broken. Parents who do these things will be far more influential in their teen’s life than those who do not. It is challenging to parent your teenager in this way, but the rewards are significant: a deeper love, improved communication, fewer conflicts, and a more influential parent-teen relationship. This is not to say that your relationship with your teenager will be conflict-free. Conflicts are natural in the parent-teen relationship and learning how to handle them is an important life skill. There will always be hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Healing and mending the hurt is part of being in a loving relationship. Both you and your teen will make mistakes. Acknowledging the mistakes, healing through the power of reconciliation, and moving on is what is important. If you are reading this book in hopes that you might find some secret method of changing your teenager, you will be very disappointed. You cannot change your teenager. What you can do is change yourself. By modifying how you interact with your teenager, you will find that your relationship will change. Not always in ways you might expect, but it will definitely shift. As you continue to seek understanding, develop listening skills, be consistent with follow through, and give your adolescent room to grow, you will see positive changes in your relationship. The fruits of your work will create a relationship where there will be less arguing, greater respect, and more harmony. Do not expect a problem-free relationship. There is no such thing. However, it can be a relationship with depth and meaning, one rooted in trust, honesty, love, and mutual respect. It is our hope that the gifts, suggestions and insights offered in this book will provide the foundation for a satisfying and life-giving relationship with your teenager. We have a profound awareness of the spiritual dimension of life and relationships. Faith in God and belief in the goodness of life guide this book. We hope that our reference to the spiritual dimension will serve to open hearts and heal relationships. Parents with relatively healthy teenagers struggling with “normal” teenage issues will find this book an excellent parenting resource. The majority of adolescents navigate the teen years with little difficulty. For those parents dealing with more difficult or challenging high-risk behavior—heavy drug or alcohol use, sexual promiscuity, violent behaviors, running away, or violations of the law—we recommend the book, How to Deal With Your Acting Up Teenager, by Bob and Jean Bayard. We have written this book together. Sometimes, when we have a personal story to tell to illustrate a point, one of us speaks in the first person. Usually, it is clear from the context who is speaking. When it may not be obvious, remember that stories relating to school and teaching are by Steve, and stories related to counseling are by Patt.
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