Begin by learning one useful word, to be uttered to yourself at times when you catch yourself doing for children things they should learn to do for themselves: “Don’t.”
This is one of the few times in parenting that you can be proud of the things you DON’T do. Next time you see that crusty cereal bowl, hum your mantra—“Doooonnnnn’t”—and refrain from taking it to the sink. Instead, call your child, point to the bowl, and ask him politely to take care of it. When you see those clothes lying on the floor just outside the shower door, stop yourself— “Doooonnnnn’t”— and ask your child to put them in the hamper. Don’t pick up those crumpled-up snack wrappers left on the kitchen counter—“Doooonnnnn’t.” Request that your child give them a proper burial. Resist the temptation to move the morning along by packing your kid’s lunch. “Doooonnnnn’t.” Instead, call her over to the counter, and guide her through the lunch-making process.
These lessons needn’t be dreary. For example, next time you’re about to put in a load of laundry, don’t simply trudge off to the laundry room— “Doooonnnnn’t.” As you pass your child, who is reclined on the sofa watching TV, ask him to turn off the tube and join you for a quick laundry lesson. You both might take pleasure from the time you spend together, talking among the whites and the darks, enjoying a few moments of conversation as you teach another valuable life skill.
Yes, I know. You’ll have to go though this drill again and again… But eventually, one bright day, you’ll realize that some learning has taken place. (And just maybe your child will have caught on, too.) As if by magic, your child will have taken care of that cereal bowl without a word from you—and you can celebrate the fact that he’s moved one step closer to being responsible for himself. And as a bonus, you’ll have moved one step further from frustration.
Of course, this approach calls for common sense. You can’t expect a three-year-old to cook his own dinner or a five-year-old to mow the lawn. Start with simple age-appropriate responsibilities and add to these as your child becomes more mature and capable. The beauty of gifting your child with the skills of responsibility and independence is that each skill is a building block upon which many others are balanced. First your child learns to count the spoons and fetch the napkins, then he learns to set the table, next he learns to fill his own plate with food, after that he learns how to make the salad, and before you know it, he has the skills to prepare an entire meal.
