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 Parenting 101 - Mother
Excerpt from Hidden Messages – What Our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our Children By Elizabeth Pantley  Danny the Disrespectful KidThe Hidden Message “You can be as disrespectful to me as you want; you’ll suffer no consequences whatsoever. I’ll do nothing to influence you to change your behavior, so we can continue on this way for the rest of our lives.” Think About It It’s offensive to hear a child act in such rude and disrespectful ways towards a parent. But the sad fact is that even good kids pick up this behavior from their peers, movies and TV shows. Many parents today are distressed at seeing this behavior in their own children, and they mistakenly believe themselves powerless to change their child’s behavior. Most parents start off on the right foot—teaching toddlers to say “please” and “thank you.” Over time, however, tedious reminders and busy schedules interfere with continuing lessons. A few rude or disrespectful remarks slip by uncorrected, and soon a very unpleasant pattern emerges—a pattern that gets more difficult to break as the child ages. It’s like a smudge on the wall; if you walk by it often enough, you cease to notice it. And the longer it stays, the harder it is to remove. The startling reality is that the disrespect itself is not the problem here, but merely a symptom of a much greater difficulty: on the child’s part, a failure to understand expectations and the hierarchy of authority…and on the parent’s part, a failure to communicate those expectations. Changes You Can Make The first step to correcting this disagreeable situation is to establish a firm and proper hierarchy of authority. In other words, it’s high time to let your kid know you’re the boss! To do this, first believe it yourself, and give yourself permission to be in charge. Absorb the truth that, for your child to grow into a responsible, civil, and successful adult, you must train, guide, and direct him during his growing years. You have just a few short years to establish a foundation upon which he will build his entire life. Once you have decided to take control, begin by establishing clear expectations and rules for your child to follow. As Danny so painfully illustrates, if you have allowed your child to be rude and disrespectful without correction, you have indeed established clear expectations—all the wrong ones! Take a few giant steps back to toddlerhood and require that your child—whatever his age—say “please” “thank you” and “may I?” When he doesn’t, avoid that annoying cliché, “What do you say?” Instead, rephrase your child’s request in the way you’d like to hear it: “Danny, what I’d like to hear you say is, ‘May I please have some milk?’” If he doesn’t repeat his request in the way you’ve asked, let him eat his muffin dry. (If you decide to let him keep the muffin at all!) The key is to be indefatigable. Do not let one single disrespectful comment slide. Let your child know what you’re up to. Admit that you have allowed his behavior to get out of control, but that it stops, and it stops today. Discuss your expectations, and make yourself perfectly clear. “I expect you to be polite and respectful to me and your Dad every single time you talk to us.” Once you’ve established clear expectations and pleasantly corrected him for a week to two, you can take the next step. Make a list of your child’s privileges—freedom to use the TV, the telephone, and his bicycle, for example. The list can include dessert, car rides to friends’ homes, visits to and from friends, etc. (The list is endless.) Number the privileges on the list, and cross off items with each offense. The key is to then follow through with removal of privileges for the remainder of that week. Start each week with a fresh list, and a fresh start. Another reason to get a kid like Danny on the right track—he may be acting tough on the outside, but on the inside he’s struggling with the knowledge that he really shouldn’t be treating people, especially his parents, in such rude ways. Most kids know that what they are doing is wrong, and they may wonder why no one is correcting them. Over time, this voice of conscience will fade, and the child will accept the rude demeanor as normal. One final but extremely important point: make certain that YOU are using your best manners when you talk to your child. “Do what I say, not what I do” is simply not an effective parenting philosophy. Your actions as an appropriate role model are imperative to correcting this undesirable behavior. Excerpted with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group Inc. from Hidden Messages – What Our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our Children by Elizabeth Pantley, copyright 2001
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