Is Remarriage A Step in the Right Direction? By Ron L. Deal, M.MFT. Originally published by Single Parent Family magazine, December, 2000.
"We're in love and we're ready to get married," they said. "Terrific," I responded. "Are your children ready for you to get married?" It was the first session of pre-remarital counseling and already Angie and Mike were caught off guard. "What do you mean?" Angie asked. "I'm sure our kids will have some adjustments to make, but that shouldn't take long. Besides, my kids are really enjoying Mike at this point-what's to be concerned about?" I could tell already that this couple was like most, they grossly underestimated the transition that remarriage has on the single-parent home. We had a lot of work to do.
Shelly's opening question was much different from Angie and Mike's. It had been five years since her divorce and she had made a concerted effort to work toward healing and create a stable home for her kids. As a result her home and children were functioning pretty well, despite some financial pressures. She met John about six months prior to our meeting and according to her it started out well. "I finally met a friend I could trust and confide in, not to mention someone who made me feel cared for. I had been craving that for some time. But now things are starting to progress and I'm afraid to remarry-not because I'm afraid to commit again-but because I know stepfamily life is very difficult and I don't want my children to suffer any more. What should I do?" Shelly was keenly aware that most stepfamilies end in divorce and she didn't want to become another statistic or put her children through more heartache. She needed some answers.
As I conduct stepfamily seminars around the country, the two most consistent questions I hear from single-parents are: 1) "Should I remarry?" and 2) "When we get married, how do we help our kids and family to succeed?" I never tell couples whether they should remarry, but I do admonish them to step away from their remarriage fantasies and consider the realities of stepfamily life. In order to make a step in the right direction for you and your children, you first must understand the challenges of stepfamily living and then make an informed choice about remarriage.
