Chapter 10
Clarify Your Expectations “Don’t marry a man to reform him; that’s what reform schools are for.” Mae West
To accomplish anything well we need great expectations. Expectations are created by our imaginations, they represent the outcome we are hoping for. The Olympic athlete imagines herself performing flawlessly, thus creating a positive self-expectation for the event. Without expectations we could not anticipate the future, and if our expectations are low, the future will look very bleak.
This chapter explores how we can talk about and create appropriate expectations. Before you were married you were probably told by many people that you had unrealistic expectations concerning marriage. Others told you, perhaps, that you should lower your expectation, as if marriage was an oversold commodity that wasn’t worth the price. Now that you’ve been married for a while you have probably discovered the problem with low expectations: if you don’t expect much you won’t get much. Lowering your expectations only encourages you to expect less out of your marriage.
Instead, why not put the emphasis on adjusting your expectations to meet the reality of your own lived situation. This includes your own personal expectations of yourself, your work, your children, and the expectations you have of each other. Adjusting expectations involves checking in with each other and checking out your expectations. It involves some dialog and conversation.
Let’s examine seven areas where married people can get themselves stuck and experience problems. Difficulties in these areas can bog you down and make you question the quality of your marriage.
Expectations About Your Relationship Some common expectations go like this: As a married couple we’ll be best friends. We’ll do everything together. We will share our innermost thoughts. There will be no secrets. We won’t get bored with each other.When our expectations aren’t met, we sometimes say to our spouse: “I thought you were my friend but . . . we’re not spending much time together, we’re not sharing deeply anymore, and we’re fighting more.” The reality of marriage often calls us to adjust our expectations. Friendships get strained and pulled in many directions. And you have all that stress to contend with: your job, your kids and their busy schedules, not to mention any unexpected developments like a health emergency.
Expectations About Being Lovers Here we think: We’ll make love frequently and passionately. We will be spontaneous. We will agree on the frequency of sex. We won’t refuse each other. Because we are spontaneous we won’t have to plan to make love.When our expectations meet the reality of life we might think or say to our spouse: We used to be so passionate in our lovemaking, but now we don’t connect with each other sexually like we used to. I wonder if you love me like you used to.The reality of married life—especially when children come—can challenge the spontaneity and passion of lovemaking. But it doesn’t mean that you have to continually lower your expectations. It means that you have to talk to one another respectfully about your expectations and needs. A complicating factor here is that you need to realize that the two of you respond to stress and tension differently. Women tend to want to be emotionally connected with their spouses before lovemaking. If there is a lot of stress then this could make it more difficult for the two of you to connect sexually. This is especially true if there is tension. For many women talking about problems with their spouse precedes lovemaking because they feel more emotionally connected. Men sometimes find it easier to put tension aside and make love to their wives. This can create confusion with women because they see their men putting off talking about tension in the relationship in favor of lovemaking. This can lead to a sense of being used. Many men see lovemaking as a way of becoming emotionally connected; this is often the opposite response to how women see lovemaking.
Chapter 10
Clarify Your Expectations
