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 Parenting 101 - What To Expect Tired of Arguing With Your Kids? By Dolores Curran  The Whys and the WhinesResponding to the chronic “whys” of children reduces parents to the point of anger more quickly than most other verbal behaviors. They know they are being manipulated but feel they must give logical replies, even to illogical questions. Eventually, like the young mother in the supermarket, they explode in anger, usually with a response they swore they would never use, “Because I said so.” And then they feel guilty. Parents are not required to answer every why. Once a logical response has been given to the child, the parent’s responsibility is ended. Even if the child persists, the parent has the right to stop responding. “I don’t know,” “I haven’t thought about it,” “I’ve often wondered about that myself,” “Hmmm . . .” or a smile are effective closures to the child’s “why” litany. Parents need to make a decision, however, on whether the “why” child is genuinely curious, doesn’t understand, or simply wants to argue. Toddlers frequently ask “why” after “why” because they want to know. They believe parents have an answer for everything and are often disgruntled when parents can’t supply an explanation. They can get downright angry when a parent says, “I don’t know.” To toddlers, parents are presumed to know everything and explain it in terms they understand. But parents of toddlers have a tolerance point and if they sense it coming, they can say non-emotionally or with obvious sorrow, “I’m sorry. I just don’t know. Maybe later.” If the child persists, the parent knows it’s an attention-getting device. Three-year-old Jamie asks, “Why do bees sting?” “To protect themselves against other bugs and people,” his mother replies. Jamie ponders this momentarily and asks, “Why don’t dogs sting?” “Because they protect themselves by growling or even biting,” his mother answers. “Why don’t cats sting?” Mother answers. “Why don’t elephants sting?” Mother, realizing they are about to go through the entire zoo inventory, says, “I don’t know.” “But why don’t they?” “I don’t know.” “Why don’t you know?” This is Mom’s cue that he’s not interested in the answers but is playing the “why” game. Her response? Smile. Silence. Detach. Older children often use “why” to question decisions rather than to understand the reasoning behind them. Parents can get caught up in endless arguments with adolescents who try to circumvent parental decisions by arguing peripheral issues. Tom wants to go surfing with a group of older boys unfamiliar to his parents. They make a decision against his going. “We don’t know these boys, and we think they’re too old for you, ” they explain to Tom. “Why? What’s wrong with them being older?” “Nothing. They are the age they are and you are the age you are. When you are invited by boys we know and who are your age, come back and ask us.” “Why do they have to be my age? And why do you have to know them?” “Because we care about you, and we don’t want you to get into situations over your head with boys we don’t know.” Although his parents have clearly stated their reasons, Tom could go on indefinitely with questions— “Why are the other parents letting their kids go, then?” “Why do you worry about me so much?” “Why don’t you trust me?” “Why are you so strict?” “Why do you always think I can’t take care of myself?” “Why do you have to make such a big deal out of everything?” These are questions invoked to distract from the issue and to put parents on the defensive. Wisely, Tom’s parents refuse to take the bait. “What is it about our ‘no’ that you don’t understand, Tom?” his father asks. When Tom persists by ignoring the question, they simply smile indulgently and begin discussing something else. For parents caught in the “why” game, here are some handy responses: “I don’t know. What do you think?” “Seems strange, doesn’t it?” “Why do you ask?” “I’ve often wondered about that myself.” “What does your ‘why’ mean?” “I haven’t the foggiest.” “I wish I studied that in school. Maybe you will sometime and then you can tell me.” “I’ll have to think about that answer.” “I suppose there’s an answer but I can’t come up with it at the moment. Give me awhile to think about it.” “What an interesting question. I’d never have thought to ask it, so I’m afraid I can’t answer it.” “I don’t know but I’d like to. Will you look it up for us, please?” “I don’t know. It’s incomprehensible. Can you say that word? It means I don’t understand.” “The world is full of ‘whys’ I can’t answer.” “Hmmm . . . that will take some thought. Don’t you hate it when people give answers without thinking?” “You know, I used to ask my mother that question and she didn’t know the answer, either.” “Whys” are often accompanied by whines, which drive many parents batty. I am one of those parents. Whining was and is my nemesis, so much so that I developed and used this rule successfully with our three: If you whine, you don’t get it. If they wanted a popsicle and their voices went up a half octave pleading for it, they lost any chance of getting it. “Too bad you whined,” I’d say. “I might have let you have one otherwise.” If they were arguing with me about a chore or privilege and began to whine, the argument was automatically ended. “Oh, oh,” I’d say, “I hear a whine. Argument’s over.”
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