 How to Be The Almost Perfect Wife 3 Communication Pitfalls to Avoid Every Day I Love You More What is Romantic Love Anyway? |  |
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| Divorce Busting "If It Weren't For You, I'd Be Happy" Michele Weiner-Davis Desperately unhappy people search for ways out of their unhappiness. They start by trying to determine the cause of their misery. As they look around, married people often see their spouse as the culprit. Blaming your spouse for your unhappiness is easy to do. Everyone does it, often supported in this kind of thinking by friends and relatives. Logic then dictates that divorce is the solution: "If I get rid of my spouse, I will get rid of this problem and then I will be happy." Diagnosing your spouse as the problem means that your microscope lens may be too narrowly focused. You are failing to notice how the habits you both have developed and the roles you've both played have contributed to your unworkable marriage. Unfortunately, you take those habits with you when you go. If getting rid of one's problematic spouse was a solution, why would 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce? People discover that the grass isn't any greener on the other side after all. Then the decision to divorce a second time is often less agonizing since there's familiarity with the process. "If It Weren't For You, There Would Be No More Arguments" Many people leave their marriages expecting the arguments to stop. Divorce does offer a temporary reprieve from the tension and/or arguing, but when children are involved, marital debates frequently do not cease with the divorce decree. I have worked with divorced couples unable to resolve child-custody, visitation and child-rearing issues. They give new meaning to the words "hostile" and "angry." That these two human beings once shared a cordial or loving relationship is almost unthinkable because all that remains of their shared history is hatred. What also continues to amaze me is how even many years of physical separation fail to free these couples from intense emotional bonds. Their inability to resolve certain child-rearing issues reflects their inability to let go of each other. If you have children and are considering divorce, you must remember that your spouse will always be your children's parent, no matter what you do. Unless he or she decides to sever ties entirely, you will continue to have contact with that person for the rest of your life! This contact serves as a constant reminder of the past. Children can also be ghosts of failed marriages when, because of their looks or personalities, they remind a parent of an estranged spouse. This can have deadly consequences for the parent-child relationship.
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