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| Divorce Busting Divorce is Not the Answer Michele Weiner-Davis The decision to divorce or remain together to work things out is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. It is crucial for those considering divorce to anticipate what lies ahead in order to make informed decisions. Too often the fallout from divorce is far more devastating than many people realize when contemplating the move. The following is a letter from a woman who read about my views on divorce in the Los Angeles Times: Dear Ms. Weiner-Davis: My age is sixty-seven, and after nineteen years of a marriage that was impossible in my opinion, I did seek a divorce. I sincerely believed that my children and I would be better off if I got out of the marriage, and this was confirmed and encouraged by therapists. I should have tried harder to make our lives better. I should have changed myself more. I wish I knew then all the things I know now. It takes so long to attain wisdom, when it is needed when one is young. I was forty and attractive and wanted to "grow," and did not like the way my children were, emotionally, living with the type of person their father was. I did what I thought was the best thing to do, at the time. And yes, I did think I would spend a year or so alone, remarry, and everything would be fine. My children, who did not like their father, were nevertheless adversely affected over the years because of the divorce. They are now grown and have learned to accept him as he is. But damage was done. I "went out into the world" for the first time in my life and I did grow, learn, and experience fantastic fun and loneliness as well. I eventually remarried and my marriage at this time is fine. But it took a lot of work to make it this way. The article stirred up lots of feelings and doubts about what I thought for so long was "the right thing" to do - divorce. Many years ago, a friend said to me that getting a divorce is like getting hit by a Mack truck. It is. For everyone involved. My ex-husband has remarried and I believe his wife has difficulty coping with some of his idiosyncrasies but she accepts them and enjoys an otherwise good life with him. (I should have been wise enough to do the same.) I am not thoroughly convinced that I did the wrong thing, but I am sorry that I did not get better counseling and give it more time before disrupting four lives (two children). Maybe the marriage could have been saved. Mainly, I would like to applaud you and the other therapists on the new view of divorce. Divorce should only be done as a last resort, when all other efforts have been exhausted. For everyone's sake. You should feel proud of the work you are doing. Congratulations. - Mary
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