How to Be The Almost Perfect Husband

Communication Problems

Relationship Tips - Discussing Issues

Relationship Tips - Responding Empathically

Relationship Tips - Say What You Feel

Strategic Romance

Introducing the practice of “Zen Shopping”

Lame Excuses

How to Control Your Anger

1001 Ways To Be Romantic

The RoMANtic

Star Light Star Bright

Gifts That Make Her Go Ga-Ga!

Love Is Only a Page Away

How to Control Your Anger in Conflict Situations
By Beverly Rodgers MS, LMFT and Tom Rodgers MA, MHDL

A typical violent ritual for Zach and Kelly started when he would criticize and condemn her for being messy and not keeping the house clean. She would become resentful and retaliate by criticizing him for not helping. As the conflict escalated, both of them would slip into childhood memories of abuse. She felt threatened while revisiting memories of her father's abusive criticism, and would lash back verbally and at times physically. He would get overwhelmed with reliving his father's abuse, so to protect himself he retaliated physically. Ironically, their fighting replicated their own childhood experiences. They were re-wounding each other's souls in much the same way their parents did. Both saw each other as a perpetrator, an intimate enemy, and therefore violence seemed to be their only way of self-protection.

In our Soul Healers Workshops we give couples two basic techniques designed to lower their violent reactions (reactivity), and help them listen and understand each other. The first technique is called The GIFT Exercise. It is built on the premise that anger is not really the main culprit behind reactivity. It is only a secondary emotion, usually felt in response to a more primary feeling, which means that anger is more of the response, than the root of a particular situation. Submerged under anger are four basic feelings that help define or give purpose to our rage. Chances are, if you are feeling anger, you can trace it to any of these four emotions. They are as follows:

Guilt
Inferiority
Fear
Trauma or pain

We have developed an acronym for these underlying emotions so that you can easily trace them to their root cause. We chose the word GIFT because it would be a GIFT to you and your spouse to identify the root of your wrath. If you respond to your mate in anger, it tends to create a defensive or angry response from them in return. Healthy communication is thwarted, and conflict goes unresolved. By tracing the root of your anger, you may be able to share it more effectively with your mate.