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How to Control Your Anger in Conflict Situations
By Beverly Rodgers MS, LMFT and Tom Rodgers MA, MHDL
All married couples have conflict. These skirmishes can take on many forms. Some end in a stalemate between spouses where one or both are stonewalling or withdrawing while others can become heated and this anger causes them to say things that they later regret. But what about those fights that end in some type of verbal, emotional or even physical abuse? This abuse can make it difficult for couples to recover. Trust is eroded and intimacy is thwarted. It is hard to believe that abuse like this can occur in families, yet research shows that 1 in 6 couples in America experience some type of violence. Even very loving couples can fall prey to verbal and physical abuse.
Zach and Kelly were one such couple. We met them at one of our Soul Healers Couple's Workshops. "I'm ashamed to tell you," Kelly said with her voice shaking, "but Zach and I can't seem to resolve our problems without resorting to some type of violence. We both know it is wrong but we just can't stop." Zach added, " We are so embarrassed that we have never told anyone until now. One of the main reasons we came to this workshop was to find a way to stop."
Marital violence is one of the toughest issues to deal with, but there is hope for these couples and others like them. Research suggests that as many as 80% of volatile couples suffered from some form of abuse as children. Zach and Kelly were no exception. They both grew up in homes where violence was present. These traumatized couples carry wounds from this abuse that we call soul wounds which cause them to over react in conflict situations. This tendency to give a situation more anger or emotion than it deserves is called reactivity. It causes couples to respond in a fight or flight manner when memories of past trauma are triggered. Self-protection becomes their main objective. Because of this, they are highly reactive to real or perceived danger. They also have trouble distinguishing between past trauma and current marital issues. Frequently violence seems to be the only way they can defend themselves.
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