Every year, precisely on October 1st, my body clock triggers a programmed process that reminds me of the approaching season. Suddenly, my world changes: The air is colder, the days are shorter, leaves are falling; and for some reason it's easier to stay in bed in the morning.
Familiar experiences resurface... The aroma of a cold weather dinner in the oven. The swish of the furnace firing up, the comfort of my old sweatshirt, the cold bathroom tile in the morning.
Like it or not, my body shifts in to holiday mode. It's a familiar flight plan that transports me through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. It's a holiday package of events, appointments, travel, gifts, food, friends and family —and sometimes a dose of disappointment and unmet expectations.
How do you handle the holidays?
Do past seasons bring to mind warmhearted, functional family memories? Or does the mere thought of sweet potatoes and Santa Claus make you want to take a two-month solo vacation?
The holiday ritual has a profound effect on people. Requests for counseling are highest after the holidays. Sales of self-help and personal development books peak in the early year. Sadly, suicide rates are highest at Christmas.
I have incredible memories. But as I grow older, I find myself trying harder to enjoy the holidays. If I'm not careful, I easily fall in a trap of disillusion, anesthetized to the joy and potential possibilities of the season.
I have learned it is not only possible to survive the holidays; it is possible to enjoy and actually create new memories for my family and me. From lessons learned, what follows is my holiday punch list —A guide to help you navigate through this season better prepared and with increased happiness and love.
Don't Fix It. There is no better gathering of dysfunction than at Christmas time. Past issues and dysfunction easily get in the way of your ability to let go and enjoy the season. Don't try to fix people —it doesn't work. Fight the temptation to engage in confrontational-face-to-face discussions. Reschedule that business for another time. Try doing things different this year.
Set realistic expectations. For years my vision of the ideal holiday experience fell far short of the "Norman Rockwell" standard. I have learned to accept the family interaction as a dance I've danced before. It's a slow and agonizing dance, but at least I know the steps. Accept it for what it is.
Be Flexible. I am not a flexible person, so this was a hard lesson. Accept the fact that things won't be exactly as planned. Flexibility is essential. Just keep repeating, "It's only a few days, it's only a few days..." Less control, more toleration.
A friend related a sad story where he and his family spent a Christmas with his out of town parents. Christmas Eve was a disaster. His father had a few drinks, became verbally abusive, words were exchanged —a very bad scene. Christmas morning my friend packed up and brought his family home.
That was four years ago. Since then they haven't returned to share Christmas with his parents. They decided to regain control of their own lives and protect themselves from future holiday failures. They set boundaries. These days they celebrate Christmas at home. Though it sounds harsh, if your holidays seem like recurring train wrecks, you might need to consider similar changes.
If you are a blended or re-married family, flexibility and negotiation are even more critical. These relationships are complex and challenging not only during the holidays, but also throughout the year. Count yourself fortunate if your season is smooth. If not, get your hands on some good resources or counseling.
