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Divorce Busting By Michele Weiner-Davis Couples Don't Divorce, Families Divorce There are many reasons that children lose out. What children lose when their parents split is their family. It is a fallacy to think of divorce as something that happens between a husband and wife. Couples don't divorce, families divorce. What was once the basis of security and protection for the children no longer exists. A child of divorce has his very foundation pulled from beneath him with no say in the matter. Parents move away, sometimes siblings get split up, intensely loyal family members take sides. The family structure disappears into thin air when a marriage dissolves. The unspoken rule - mom and dad will be together forever - has been broken.Divorce Is Forever In her book Adult Children of Divorce Speak Out Claire Berman recounts her extensive interviews with men and women ranging in age from twenty-four to sixty-seven who during their childhood experienced their parents' separation or divorce. The vast majority of these adults described their reactions to the divorce as a pain or emptiness that never goes away, a pain that continues to affect many aspects of their adult lives. "The divorce of my parents has left a hole in my heart. It is a hole that will never be filled," said one of the study's participants, and many others echoed this or a similar phrase. What is particularly striking is the freshness of the memories despite the distance time placed between those interviewed and their parents' divorce. Berman tells her readers: The most striking impression one comes away with is that for children, the divorce of the parents never goes away. It may be welcomed. It may be understood. But even when it is a positive solution to a destructive family situation, divorce is a critical experience for its children. Although there may be relief that a painful situation has been ended, there is also regret that a healthy family could not have been created. (Berman, 1991, p. 18.) Some say that death is easier for children to accept than divorce because death is a single event, which passes, and for which there is usually a clear-cut cause. People mourn, grieve and have memories, but death is final. Divorce, on the other hand, lasts forever.
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