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 Marriage 101 - Expert Advice | |
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 daily temperature reading(DTR) with appreciation to Virginia Satir Appreciations. We are all vulnerable. We need to be recognized and to know what's good about us, and nobody is better equipped to tell us this than the person or people closest to us. Whatever you feel good about, let your partner know. We hear so much about what's wrong with us -- the world tells us, and we tell ourselves all the time; we're usually our own worst critics. When you see something specific in your partner you appreciate, express it -- with words, or with a gesture, but express it. Hearing appreciation regularly is an important element in our self-esteem. Self esteem shouldn't come only from outside ourselves, but we do need to feel appreciated, loved and accepted by our partners. It's also important to know what we are appreciated for. And we have to learn to listen to our partner's appreciation, accept it and internalize it. Too many people have a conditioned response of pooh-poohing compliments away ("Oh, this old thing?" or "It was nothing."). You can also use this first section of the DTR to appreciate yourself and share with others some of the things for which you want to be acknowledged. What are some specific appreciations you would like to share with your partner or someone else who is significant in your life? What are some things for which you'd like to be appreciated? New Information. So much of what goes wrong is because we are not given the information we need to understand what's going on, so there is too much room left for assumptions. Intimacy thrives only when both partners know what is going on in each other's lives. It may be related to work ("I finally got that new contract."), family ("The dentist says Mandy's teeth are perfect."), gossip ("Helen's divorce was finalized yesterday."), fears ("I'm worried about the mole on your neck."), interest ("There's a great article in the Sunday paper that I think you'd enjoy.") -- anything and everything, trivial and important, that helps keep your partner and significant others up-to-date on your state, mood and, generally, what's going on in your life. What are some things going on in your life that you'd like to share with a significant other? Puzzles. Misunderstanding and assumptions are devastating to relationships. If there are things you don't understand that your partner or a significant other could clarify, ask for clarification. "Are you saying that the dentist visit is your regular check-up? Or is this going to lead to some kind of treatment that we should budget for?" "Why did you seem so edgy this morning?" Avoid assumptions and mind-reading. Remember, the word assume breaks down into ass-u-me. You won't always get an answer to your puzzles, but it's still important to let your partner know what you're wondering about and provide an opportunity for them to clarify things or give you other helpful information. What's something you're wondering about regarding your mate or a significant other? How will you ask the question to let the person know that you're puzzled?
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