Guidelines for Revitalizing and Maintaining Sexual Desire
By Barry and Emily McCarthy
A key change strategy is to develop her, his, and our bridges to sexual desire. This involves ways of thinking, talking, anticipating, and feeling which invite being sexual.
Sexuality has a number of positive functions for the relationship – a shared pleasure, a means to reinforce and deepen intimacy, and a tension reducer to deal with the stresses of life and a relationship.
The average frequency of sexual intercourse is from four times a week to once every two weeks. For couples in their twenties, it is two-three times a week, couples in their fifties once-twice a week.
Personal turn-ons (fantasies, special celebrations or memories, feeling caring and close, anniversaries or birthdays, sex with the goal of pregnancy, initiating a favorite erotic scenario, being playful or spontaneous, sexuality to celebrate a career success or sooth a personal disappointment) facilitate sexual anticipation and desire.
Use of external turn-ons (R or X-rated videos, music, candles, visual feedback from mirrors, being sexual outside the bedroom, a weekend away without the kids, facilitate anticipation and desire.
Non-demand pleasuring can be a way to connect physically, a means to share pleasure and/or a bridge to sexual desire.
Intimate coercion is not acceptable. Sexuality is neither a reward nor a punishment. Sexuality is voluntary, mutual, and pleasure-oriented.
Realistic expectations are crucial for maintaining a vital sexual relationship. It is self-defeating and harmful to demand equal desire, arousal, orgasm and satisfaction each time. Realistically, half of experiences are very good for both people. Twenty percent are very good for one (usually the man) and okay for the other. Twenty percent are okay for one and the other finds it acceptable. Be aware that five to ten percent of sexual experiences are mediocre or failures. Couples who accept this without guilt or blaming and try again when they are aware and receptive have a vital, resilient sexual relationship.
Contrary to common sense myths of horniness after not being sexual for weeks, desire is facilitated by a regular rhythm of sexual activity. When sex is less than twice a month, the couple become self-conscious and fall into a cycle of anticipatory anxiety, tense and unsatisfying sex, and avoidance.
Healthy sexuality plays a positive, integral role in a relationship, fifteen-twenty percent, with the main function to energize the bond and generate special feelings.
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