The Family Wedding: Involving Your Children In The Ceremony Dr. Roger Coleman
Let all of us be involved in this marriage,
Let all humanity renew their vows,
joining together in love's celebration...
-adapted from George Eliot
“How can I involve my children or my fiance’s children in the wedding?” This is one of the most frequently asked questions I hear when meeting with couples to help plan their wedding celebration.
Let me tell you from my experience what not to do. Don't ignore them, and don't allow your wedding officiant to ignore them either. Children, regardless of their age or how much they may approve of your new spouse, attach a great deal of significance to the actual wedding event. A younger child may feel as if " I'm getting married, too." An adult child may have trouble accepting the concept that a parent can love someone other than "my father or mother."
If you think children are not important to your new relationship, talk to others who have remarried with children. They will tell you that your children will pose the greatest challenge to your sanity and your marriage as you work to create a life together. All too often I hear parents say something like, "It's our relationship, not theirs." This marriage is doomed to fail, again. With children present, marriage is more than the coming together of two people it is the creation of a new family. So recognize this from the beginning, and create a wedding ceremony that is truly a family celebration.
The Family Wedding
Today, one fourth of all marriages include an average of two children. This means that of the approximately 2 million marriages to be celebrated this year in the United States, over 1 million children will be present. As a result, "family weddings" are no longer the rarity they were just a few short years ago.
More and more clergy and other wedding officiants have come to the conclusion that it doesn't make sense to ignore exiting children during the wedding of a parent "'When children from previous relationships aren't recognized in some formal way, you can see the disappointment in their faces," writes Father Dennis Van Thuvnc, a Pennsylvania Catholic priest. " Thev feel left out, abandoned. But when children are publicly recognized, you can tell from the excitement in faces that they are having a positive emotional experience. And because is a public sacrament, it is appropriate guests bear witness to the couple's commitment to take care of their children."
In reality, all weddings are family occasion. Two people do not in a vacuum. They commit themselves to one another in the presence of those who have supported them in the past and who will continue to support them in the future. With children present, the family nature of marriage only becomes more visible.
One Family's Response
As Elizabeth writes: "When I announced I was going to marry Joseph, my 8 year old son seemed happy, 'That's great, Michael responded. But his actions over the next few weeks did not reflect his initial enthusiasm. He really didn't say anything negative, but I could tell he was nervous. I think he was worried about how his life might change after Joe and I got married."
Elizabeth and Joseph found a simple and emotionally satisfying way to respond to Michael's concerns in the form of a family oriented wedding service that gives children a meaningful role in the wedding ceremony. This three-to-five minute addition to the wedding known as The Family Medallion ceremony® can easily be integrated into any religious or civil wedding tradition. It alters the traditional wedding in only one respect: After the newlyweds exchange rings and are pronounced husband and wife, a transition is made to recognize that marriage is also a family relationship. The children are then invited forward and each child is given a special three ring medallion, The Family Medallion®. This symbol represents family love in much the same way that the wedding ring signifies conjugal love. "
“Although both Joe and I had assured Michael prior to the that we loved him, we wanted to do something during the ceremony to show him how important he was to us,” Elizabeth explains. "We wanted him to understand once and for all that it wasn't just Joe and I getting married, but that we were coming together as a family."
This couple says they will never forget the moment during their wedding when Michael was invited to the altar to stand between his mom and stepdad. According to his mom,
“He just beamed as the priest explained the meaning of the family medal to him. And when Joe and I pledged to love him, it was clear the he felt part of our new family.”
Young Michael still talks about "our wedding." "I knew that if Joe would do something that special for me, then he must really care about me," Michael says. "And I like The Family Medallion because it includes me here's a ring for mom, a ring for Joe and a ring for me."
The creation of positive stepfamilies is far more complex and far broader than simply acknowledging children in the wedding. Constant reinforcement and communication are needed. However, the wedding ceremony offers one very significant opportunity to focus on the importance of family relationships.
The "family wedding" also makes for a unique celebration. Most guests come to a wedding already knowing what is to take place. It's like going to a movie that you have seen many times before you not only know the ending but have memorized many of the lines. Nothing new or unusual takes place except for the occasional blunder of the officiant or the nervous reaction of the bride or groom.
This is not the case when children such as Michael are recognized. To knowledge a commitment to your children during the service to call them forward, to present them with the Family Medallion, to give them a hug is to recognize that something new, something very hopeful is taking place right before our very eyes. Our callous and often cynical attitudes about marriage wilt away and we experience, out of the painfulness of the past, a new future taking form. And, as I hear repeatedly, "There was not a dry eye in the house."
Your comments, suggestions and questions are welcomed. Dr. Roger Coleman can be contacted directly by e-mail at rcoleman@clergyservices.com or by writing to Clergy Services, Inc. P.O. Box 32333, Kansas City, MO 64171. You may also call 1-800-237-1922. For more information on the Family Medallion®, visit our website www.familymedallion.com
