 
10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship He/she had the Affair - Why do I Need to Change? What Everyone Needs to Know About Extramarital Affairs. 10 Fair Fighting Rules for Couples The Good Marriage - How and Why Love Last The Hidden Costs of Keeping Love Alive More Lasting Unions: Christianity, the Family, and Society The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong & Loving Marriage |  |
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Reconcilable Differences By Andrew Christensen, PhD and Neil S. Jacobson, PhD Introduction No matter how much we have in common with the one we love, each of us remains a unique human being. And no matter how much we love each other, the differences between us will eventually cause conflict. We feel hurt or ignored, resentful or angry, and our arguments often make the problem worse. Something’s got to give, and we usually nominate our partner. Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. Trying to get your partner to change when strife seems to be pulling your relationship apart is human nature. It’s easy to understand your own point of view; it’s much harder to see where the one you love is coming from. That your relationship would improve drastically if only he or she would see things your way and make a few little alterations in behavior seems like an obvious conclusion. As you undoubtedly know, however, trying to change another person, even one motivated by love and loyalty toward you, is a tall order. Eliciting change from your spouse without demonstrating acceptance of his or her unique position is difficult, often impossible, as we have learned through over two decades of clinical practice and research in the field of couple therapy. If there is one thing we have discovered in our years of work with couples, it is that advice is easy to give, hard to take, and even harder to implement. Although this book is aimed at ushering you both toward an understanding of how couples interact, what causes conflict, and how you might lessen yours, it purposely avoids “sounds-good,” “one-size-fits-all” advice. Instead, we guide you toward an understanding of your own unique relationship and suggest ways to foster acceptance. To bring our points home, we have filled the pages with illustrations of couples facing problems a lot like yours. As the primary author of this book, I have generated these examples from my own practice, my supervision of couple therapy, and my personal experience, but each is a constructed amalgam so as to protect the confidentiality of any real people. Because conflict is a window on the vulnerabilities and sensitivities of warring partners, it offers the promise of greater connection as well as the threat of alienation. We believe that by understanding your conflicts and emotionally accepting your positions in the conflict, the two of you can achieve genuine intimacy. You can, in the end, reconcile the differences that keep you apart.
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