Something New
By Kristen Castillo

Many adjustments made during the first year of marriage.

The educational approach, which Lucoff favors, teaches couples skills to work through any problems. He said the program empowers couples and "gives them confidence to talk about difficult issues because they know that the skills they've learned provide a safe and effective way to do that."

Empathic Coaching Associates teaches the Relationship Enhancement program, which was developed over the past 30 years primarily by Bernard Guerney, Jr., Ph.D. Lucoff said this program has been called one of the best of its kind by researchers. Different formats exist, but the San Diego chapter holds a one-day class and then conducts six months of follow-up education through email, cassette tapes and the telephone.

Classes are comprised of small groups. An instructor explains and demonstrates certain skills. The couple then practices the skills with guidance from the instructor, and follow up sessions on the phone reinforce the skills learned.

If classes are too expensive or couples are too busy, Lucoff said there are some relationship skills that couples can learn on their own to make a marriage work. He said empathy is an important skill because it allows a spouse to see a partner's perspective on an issue even if stances differ. Another worthwhile tool is what Lucoff calls "skillful expressiveness," which is "the ability to express your feelings about an issue subjectively, honestly, and include in your expressions the underlying positive feelings you have about your mate."

Pre-marital courses and counseling are beneficial to couples looking to improve their communication skills. Lucoff said many spouses even prefer to enroll in classes after they marry, as they begin to encounter issues in their marriage that they want to address. He said in some states, such as Florida and Minnesota, legislation has been enacted in favor of pre-marital courses. Couples who enroll in these classes are rewarded with waiting period waivers and marriage license discounts.

Lucoff explained why the law is standing behind marriage education. "There is a growing awareness of the tremendous cost to society of broken homes, and pre-marital and marriage education are clearly seen as part of the solution. In the meantime, most people will likely get married with little education or counseling prior to their marriage, and even less afterwards."

Something New By Kristen Castillo, Weddingpages magazine, Fall 2001.
Excerpts reprinted by permission of the author.