Something New
By Kristen Castillo

Many adjustments made during the first year of marriage.

The first year of marriage can be an exciting time, but it can also be a learning experience. Decisions are now made for two, and settling into coupledom can be challenging. As newlyweds adjust to married life, what should they expect?

Jim Lucoff of Empathic Coaching Associates [http://empathic.homestead.com] has been counseling couples for over 20 years. He said many couples are surprised that married life differs from their dating experience. "They think because they have been together a lot before marriage their adjustment to married life will be easy. But the commitment that marriage brings to a relationship can raise all kinds of issues that were in the background before."

The notion that the harmonious period in a relationship has to wear off after the wedding can have an awkward effect on the relationship. "After the wedding day there is the well known 'the honeymoon is over' effect, where couples quickly get wrapped up in the stresses of day-to-day living and lose the romance they had," Lucoff said.

Couples need to remember that even when the honeymoon technically ends, the passion doesn't have to cease. "By the time they make the commitment to marry, most people probably feel fairly confident that they know the person they are going to marry and understand their feelings about that person," he said. Newlyweds would be naïve if they didn't expect to encounter challenges in the first year of marriage. "There are conflicts in any relationship, but in the romance and excitement of pre-married life, these conflicts are often conveniently side-stepped. After the 'I do's', however, these conflicts quickly rise to awareness and couples can be caught off guard by the unexpected onslaught of these issues."

A married couple's first fight can really shake the new foundation of the relationship. Lucoff said a quarrel can really raise a lot of questions. "When you're newly married and have your first major blowup it can really be a shock. You wonder, 'What happened? Are we still in love?' and there may be silence between you on that subject for weeks. But as you begin to learn how to address conflict, that time can be reduced to hours," he said.

While some couples are prepared for the challenges of marriage, others aren't. They know that the first year will be full of conflict, so they prepare to start a learning period that will last a lifetime. "Marriage is such an important part of our lives that it deserves an ongoing investment in lifelong learning," Lucoff said. Newlyweds should expect the first year to be both an adjustment and an eye-opener. Spouses should constantly be learning more about their partner. As Lucoff explained, "to stop learning is to say we know everything we need to know, and that just never happens because each year that passes bring us into new situations."

Learning how to navigate that first year of marriage can be made easier by pre-marital sessions aimed at both educating and counseling prospective spouses. Lucoff said there are differences between educating and counseling couples. "In counseling, the couple comes to the counselor with specific questions and issues that are then addressed in sessions. In the educational approach, couples are taught general relationship skills that equip them to deal with these issues on their own," Lucoff said.