Should We Marry

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Friendship

“For all the reasons she just gave. However, Clare is also very patient and understanding. She doesn’t complain when my work interferes with what we had planned to do.”

“For example,” Tim continued, “we recently drove several hundred miles to visit my sister in New England. We were there only six hours when the phone rang telling me about a death and consequent ‘call’ back home. We had to pack up immediately and return. There were no complaints, no grumbling on her part.”

He went on, “Even my plan for giving her the engagement ring on Christmas Eve went awry because of the business. I had the diamond wrapped in a special way and placed on the tree as part of the decorations. I also had in mind exactly how I was going to propose.

“However, the phone rang and I learned that a young man, a close friend, had died. That meant, I knew, that all of Christmas Eve would be spent with his family. This messed up all my carefully made plans. But, once again, Clare never grumbled or complained.”

Those who marry persons like physicians or funeral directors need to recognize that in married life they and the children quite probably will be sharing the time, energy, and heart of their spouses and parents with others. Critically ill patients or survivors of unexpected deaths will understandably demand their part of them.

Clare, at this point, seemed to grasp that truth. In fact, Tim’s response on those two occasions merely underscored or illustrated for her the kind of concerned and caring person he is, the qualities that make him lovable and the man she wishes to marry.

When asked why they wish to marry each other, engaged couples in the past decade have almost universally responded with one word: friendship. “He is my best friend.” “She is my soul mate, my closest friend.” That certainly was the case with Clare and Tim.

What does it mean to be or have a friend? I hear repeatedly from the engaged these symptoms, experiences, or descriptions of friendship:

“I can tell him anything.” “She is the first one I call when I am up or down, when something good has just happened or something bad troubles me.” “She is always there for me.” “He respects me and treats me like a queen.” “We get along great.” “We like many of the same things.” “We enjoy being together.”

The dictionary definition of a friend translates those concrete descriptions into abstract terms: “One that seeks the society or welfare of another whom he (she) holds in affection, respect, or esteem or whose companionship and personality are pleasurable: an intimate associate, especially when other than a lover or relative.”

Friends are not necessarily lovers. Today, however, as I have mentioned, almost all the engaged cite friendship as the key ingredient of their relationship. Still, they would also consider several other persons as friends although not in the same category or to the same degree as their intended spouses.

Friendship has an illusive and mystical quality. It just happens. A comfortable connection simply develops. We enjoy another’s presence. We like this man or woman.

We often use the term rather loosely. “All our friends are here.” But a true friend is a precious gift, and each individual in a lifetime probably has at most five or six such treasured friends. Yet we have many persons with whom we are friendly. In addition, the level of friendship varies with each relationship.

A generic love spawns friendships, sustains them, deepens them, and, in the case of engaged couples, takes them to different levels with unique characteristics. We need, therefore, now to explore the nature of love.