THE PARENT TRAP: When It Comes to Marriage, You Make the Call
By Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D.

How About You?

Right about now you might be feeling a little smug, sure that you’d have the same foresight and fortitude that Kelly did. I hope so. But I’ll tell you, I’ve counseled dozens of men and women who have swallowed their better judgment and proceeded to marry someone based on their parents’ confidence and conviction that it was the right thing to do. The results were predictable: the ill-advised, ill-suited spouses remained unhappily married for years or endured a painful divorce.

So what if your parents and friends are certain about your choice, but you’re not? Don’t go forward with the wedding! It doesn’t matter what your parents and friends think if you are not convinced. It’s you who is getting married and you are the one who needs to be confident about your decision. Sometimes parents form strong opinions about your love life based on their own wishes, desires, and requirements. But their criteria may not be your criteria. Well meaning though they may be, your mom and dad are swayed by their own biases and predispositions. Besides, they simply can’t know the inner workings of your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Other times parents become focused on the wedding itself. They don’t want you messing up their huge gala celebration by questioning whether this is the right person to marry. If the church has been booked, the flowers ordered, the nonrefundable deposits made—and especially if the invitations have been sent out—it’s easy for parents to become more and more positive that this is the perfect partner for you.

Take it from me—or from your own common sense—this is dangerous reasoning. Though I understand the inner trauma a parent experiences around a major social event like this, the fact is that if you are not absolutely certain this is the right person for you, the wedding should be delayed or canceled.

I have heard people reason that “everyone gets cold feet as the day grows near.” But disregarding “cold feet” about something as crucial as this is like doing nothing about chest pain accompanied by tingling down your left arm. It’s simply too important to take casually.

The bottom line is this: You should listen closely to the opinions of your parents and other important people, thoroughly hear them out, weigh carefully what they say ? and then make your own decision.

Dr. Neil Warren is a psychologist and popular speaker based in Pasadena, Calif. His best-selling books include Finding the Love of Your Life and How to Know if Someone Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less.

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