THE PARENT TRAP: When It Comes to Marriage, You Make the Call
By Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D.

As a psychologist who has practiced for more than thirty-five years, I’ve made a few enemies. Some have been alcoholics I’ve confronted about their addiction. Some have been domestic abusers I’ve reported to the authorities. And on several occasions I’ve ticked off parents who were sure their son or daughter should marry someone they “knew” was a “perfect” match.

Several years ago, some neighbors of mine urged their daughter, Kelly, to see me for counseling. It turns out that Kelly was engaged to a successful, outgoing marketing executive named Steve. By all accounts—including Kelly’s—he was a gregarious, intelligent man with a bright future. How Kelly’s parents adored Steve!

“What a catch!” they often told Kelly. “You better hold on to him—guys like that don’t come along very often. The sooner you get married, the better.”
Only one problem: Kelly had serious misgivings about her relationship with Steve, and she wanted to break off the engagement. That’s why her parents sent her to therapy with me—to straighten out her thinking, to clear up her “muddled” head, to convince her that she and Steve were ideally suited for each other. But I couldn’t do it. And shouldn’t have. For one thing, Kelly had legitimate concerns. She wasn’t just “scared of commitment” or holding on to unrealistic expectations about a potential spouse. She and Steve knew that they “looked” terrific together—their career ambitions, their goals, their personalities seemed to blend perfectly. But she also knew that they were fundamentally mismatched on some critical issues.

Kelly and I met for six sessions, during which we explored her feelings toward Steve, her concerns about their impending marriage, and her fear about disappointing her mom and dad. In the end, she concluded that she’d been right all along—she should do Steve and herself a big favor and call it off.

When my neighbors learned of Kelly’s decision, they were livid. What kind of misguided, disillusioned daughter had they raised? And what kind of incompetent shrink was I anyway that I couldn’t see that their match was made in heaven? For months afterward, these folks would look away when they saw me. They refused to offer so much as a wave or a nod.

But that’s okay. I would much rather endure my neighbors’ wrath and scorn than aid and abet a marriage doomed from the start. I’d gladly make an enemy if it meant helping a couple avoid a divorce or years of marital misery.