Foreplay: Describe your vision of the ideal wedding. Where would it be? How many would attend? Who would be the best man and the maid of honor? What would you wear?

Questions to Ask Each Partner

How important is a marriage ceremony to you?
What type and size of wedding do you want? What is your vision of an ideal wedding?
How flexible are you on the type of wedding you will have?
Would you consider an unusual wedding (underwater, skydiving, etc.)?
Do you think a wedding should be a public display or a private exchange?
How do you feel about eloping? Under what circumstances would you consider it?
How do you feel about bachelor and bachelorette parties? What do you consider appropriate and inappropriate at these parties? What does this tradition mean to you? Are you willing to make changes based on your partner’s concerns or discomfort?

Questions to Explore as a Couple

Who’s in charge of the wedding plans?
What do you want the vows to say?
How much do wedding vows mean to you?
Do you want to write your own?
How do you feel about the word “obey” in traditional vows?
What are your feelings about the father giving the bride away?
Will you include this tradition in your wedding?
Who will be your best man, ushers, maid-of-honor, and bridesmaids?
How many will you include? Where do you want to get married (which state, town, etc.; particularly if the families live in different locations)?
Where do you want to get married: a church (what denomination?), outdoors, in a home, on a beach, etc.?
Who will pay for the wedding? Does that person then have control over wedding plans?
How much money do you consider appropriate to spend on your wedding?
How do you draw the line between friends, acquaintances, and friends of the family in terms of who to invite?
How do you feel about inviting former partners and spouses?
If you are of different faiths, who will preside over the wedding? Will you limit the ceremony to one faith’s rituals or create a combined ceremony?
If your parents are divorced, how will you work out family photographs, who gives the bride away, and who pays for what?
What are your preferences around the honeymoon?
What do you think about the concept of renewing vows later in life?
How do you feel about the woman taking, or not taking, the man’s last name?
How do you feel about hyphenated names or keeping individual last names?
After marriage, do you think the woman should go by Ms. or Mrs.?

Observations of Your Partner

Does your partner consult you before making decisions that affect you?
Are you experiencing interference from in-laws? If so, do you feel that your partner is supportive of you and your desires?

Self-Observations

Are your and your partner’s expectations regarding weddings compatible?
Are you and your partner able to stay strong in your relationship throughout this series of difficult decisions? Are you able to compromise on differences in preferences?
Are thinking about and planning the wedding fun or stressful to you?

Excerpted from “Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be” by Eve Eschner Hogan and Steve Hogan Copyright 2000 © Eve Eschner Hogan