I have been to a wedding in which the couple wore formal dress in an old Victorian house with a beautiful quartet. And to another on the beach in which the bride wore a white bikini and veil while the groom wore swim trunks and a bow tie. I attended still another in which the bride and groom (and everybody else) were completely naked. I have been in a wedding in which I was the “best man” even though I am a woman, and I have performed weddings in Hawaii in a labyrinth, underwater, and on a boat. The variations and possibilities are endless.

We have heard many stories about couples who fell in love and happily planned to get married only to get into huge disagreements over the wedding plans. Getting married is something that starts to be planned when we are kids. Fairy-tale weddings are shared with us through books. Children look up to brides and grooms with wide eyes at the weddings they attend, as if they are looking at royalty or movie stars. Little girls sit around the playground at school and talk about what their weddings will be like. Then we grow up and meet a partner who has no intention of having a “royal wedding.” In-laws also have their pre-envisioned ideas of what their son’s or daughter’s wedding will be like. Instead of planning a simple ceremony, you are dealing with issues of status, money, beliefs, desires, and philosophies. Suddenly, instead of needing a copy of Bride Magazine, you need Psychology Today!

Financial issues can also move into the forefront of a relationship during wedding planning. One couple, Julie and Ron, spent $50,000 (of her father’s money) on a wedding only to divorce a couple of years—and a couple of kids—later. Some see the extreme expense of weddings as a waste of money that could be better spent on their livelihoods, while others figure they are planning the event of a lifetime and money should be no object.

Wedding styles also range tremendously. Consider what you want this memorable occasion to include, and discuss it with your partner to create an experience you’ll both want to remember. Don’t underestimate the importance of talking about the bachelor and bachelorette parties, and the impact they can have on your relationship as well. We have seen several weddings that were almost called off on account of them. It is wise, if you insist on having such an event, to do it well in advance of the wedding so that you have time to deal with any emotional reactions that may occur.

This chapter addresses the nuts and bolts of a wedding ceremony. The chapter on “Commitment and Trust” contains questions for exploring the ideas of marriage and monogamy and discovering whether marriage is desired by both partners. Questions on the celebration of anniversaries and gift-giving customs can be found in the “Holidays” chapter. Be sure to explore the “Vacations” chapter, too, when discussing your honeymoon!