While sexual attraction can be an important part of romantic love, it is not a defining characteristic. The basic idea is that our understanding of who we are comes from the many relationships we have: family, friends, community. The hallmark of romantic love is that we have a partner with whom we mutually discover and create a shared sense of self and identity. My feeling of being a complete person in my romantic relationships
was basically correct. My restless search for purpose and meaning pointed me in the direction of a different but related love-spiritual love.
The primary focus of spiritual love is transformation of the self. Transformation into what? That depends on the particular religious or philosophical tradition in to which you belong. Transformation of the self usually involves the learning and practice of a cluster of key values, such as compassion, mercy and kindness. Quite often there is a higher power or reality that also shares these key values. The goal is to have all of our relationships tempered by these key values, including our romantic relationships. Only then will we find a sense of purpose, a feeling of being connected to the world in a positive way.
While transformation of the self and creation of a shared sense of self are closely related, they are different. No wonder I was getting confused! How has this affected my search for love? When I stopped looking for all the wrong loves in all the wrong places a funny thing happened. Since I stopped expecting romantic love to do double duty as spiritual love, my wandering ways have come to an end. I have not solved all of the struggles to be found in romantic love. But having the right expectations has helped me avoid the search for that one true love I would never have found. I think that is a pretty good
return on a small investment in philosophy.
