My second principle is a line from the movie The Accidental Tourist. "It is not just how much you love someone,
it is who you are when you are with them."iii The movie revolves around the struggles of named Macon Leary who is a very predictable person. He likes to have everything planned and organized. Macon writes a series of travel guidebooks called The Accidental Tourist for reluctant business travelers who want to feel safe in their journeys. Whether you are in London or Paris, Macon's books tell you which hotels have the nicest bathrooms and which restaurants serve American food.
Macon's safe and sheltered life is shattered when his wife Sarah decides to move out and get a divorce. Being a quiet
and withdrawn person by nature, Macon reacts by becoming even more quiet and withdrawn. He might have gotten away with it except for meeting a woman named Muriel. Muriel is as spontaneous and disorganized as Macon is subdued and predictable. Muriel takes an immediate liking to Macon and keeps pestering him to go out with her. He finally does and falls in love with her. As their relationship grows, Muriel's love for Macon changes him into a new person. He becomes more spontaneous and playful, and his normally dismal attitude about life becomes more hopeful. Towards the end of the movie Macon makes one last attempt to reconcile with his wife Sarah.
They move back into their house and try living together again, but it is no use. Macon has changed too much to go back to his old ways. As he explains to Sarah why he wants to go back to Muriel, he tells her "Its not just how much you love someone, but who you are when you are with them." Muriel has given Macon another chance at life by allowing him to decide all over again what kind of person he wants to be. "I believe in you. I believe in who you are and in who you can become." This is the support and freedom Macon found in his love for Muriel and the hope and freedom we should find in our love relationships. Who are you when you are with the one you love? Do you feel a sense of freedom? Do you find a giddy courage to try new things, to grow beyond your comfortable limits? Or are you a perpetual prisoner of your old fears and insecurities? Is your relationship more like a comfortable pair
of shoes that you keep out of familiarity instead of going to the trouble of getting a new pair? I leave you to answer these questions for yourself.
THIRD PRINCIPLE: SANCTUARY
The third and last principle is from a writer who says "the essence of love is a sense of sanctuary." Sanctuary has
two distinct aspects, protection and renewal. We each have our fears, insecurities, hurts, and pains that we share with a few people. If we want to grow and change for the better, we need to share these burdens with the person you love. The sense of sanctuary we find in love gives us the protection we need to share our hurts and fears with our loved one. We sense that our loved one will not make a public display of our weaknesses and fears. The protective sanctuary of love is like a mother bird spreading her wings over her young in the nest. Within the warm confines of their mother's wings the young birds know they do not have anything to fear. This feeling that we are safe and
everything is okay is the protection we should find in love. Besides protection, the sanctuary of love also provides
a chance for renewal. Sanctuary is not simply an escape from the unpleasant realities of ourselves, for when we share our burdens with others we are re-energized and restrengthened. We no longer carry our pains and fears alone and find strength to overcome those pains and fears. If we cannot overcome them, then we find in our love the ability to live with our burdens instead of grimly enduring them. It must remain a mystery how the love of two people can be greater that the burdens of one.
I only know that it is true from my own experience and that of many others. Our task is now complete. I have given you a definition of love: Love is a choice to be committed, vulnerable and responsible to the one for whom you care. And I have given you three principles by which to judge your love. "Do you love them because you need them, or do you need them because you love them?" "It is not just how much you love someone, but who you are when you are with them." "The essence of love is a sense of sanctuary." I cannot guarantee that this definition and these
principles will always lead to love. I do believe that these ideas will give you a place from which to start as you seek to find love in your life.
Now that we have a definition of love in general, where do we begin to discuss the six loves? By starting with the most basic of the six loves, friendship, to which we now turn in the next chapter.
c 2001 Craig Owen
For more information about The Six Faces of Love go to homepages.about.com/craigowen/sixfacesoflove.
i.Eugene C. Kennedy, Believing (Garden City, NY: Doubleday, 1974), 77.
ii.Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving (New York: Harper & Row, 1974), 34.
iii.Anne Tyler, The Accidental Tourist (New York: Berkley Books, 1986), 307.
