How does one answer the question "How do you know when you are in love?" This problem usually arises with romantic love, but it can occur in the other loves as well. Perhaps we can borrow a technique from philosophy to help get us started. A standard method in philosophy is to first carefully define the terms you are discussing. After defining your terms, you arrive at criteria or principles to verify when you have an example of the subject you so carefully defined. Maybe this method of definition and verification can be of help to us. Here is my definition of love: Love is a choice to be committed, vulnerable, and responsible to the one for whom you care. There are a lot of heavy words in that definition, 'choice,' 'commitment,' 'vulnerable,' 'responsible.' Let us take a careful look at these terms in the order I have given them. What do I mean when I say love is a choice? Love is a decision we make, a matter of the will. Love is not to be identified with emotions alone. Feelings are certainly a part of love, and our emotional response to people is one way of finding someone we could choose to love. What exactly do we choose to do in loving someone? One of the things we choose is to make a commitment.
When I use the word commitment I do not mean blind devotion such as "My lover right or wrong." One writer
describes commitment as "the capacity to dedicate oneself to another person or cause."i We choose (there is that word again) to have a personal stake in the growth and life of the one we love. When we make a commitment to the one we love we say to them "I believe in you. I believe in who you are and in who you can become." By saying "I believe in who you are" we accept the one we love, imperfections as well as strengths. In affirming "I believe in who you can become" we recognize that people grow and change, even in love. We challenge, in the name of love, our loved one to grow beyond their comfortable limits for the sake of love. All of this talk of believing, growing, and
commitment is risky business. This brings us to our next word, vulnerability.
Being vulnerable in love means that we willingly accept the pain and struggle of love as well as the joy and happiness of love. When we are committed to someone by believing in them, we cannot escape the disappointments and upsets that come with loving imperfect people. The joy of love cannot be separated from the pain of love. Unless we accept this paradox we will run from love every time it becomes painful or difficult. Choosing to be committed and vulnerable to the one you love is a decision to be responsible, the last word in my definition of love.
Responsibility in love means we are accountable to and for the one we love. Being accountable to the one we love
involves activities that many of us have trouble with: trusting one another, being honest with each other, communicating (as opposed to just talking) with each other. To be accountable for the one we love is also difficult. There will be times when we must answer for and even defend the one we love. Since we know our loved one so well, sometimes we our obligated to make use of that knowledge. The occasion maybe as dramatic as a life or
death medical situation, or as simple as a conversation with friends who ask how our loved one is doing. Being accountable to and for the one we love flies in the face of the self-indulgent individualism of our day. Yet, without
responsibility love can endure over time.
So now we have our definition of love. Our task is only half completed, however. We could argue endlessly over
definitions and words. To avoid this we must arrive at some criteria or principles that will verify that we have an instance of love as we have defined it. The three principles I suggest come out of the experience of other writers who are well acquainted with the human condition.
FIRST PRINCIPLE: HOW DO I NEED YOU?
My first principle comes from Eric Fromm. It is in the form of a question. How do you love the one you love? "Do you love them because you need them, or do you need them because you love them?"ii Let us look at both sides of this question. "Do you love them because you need them?" Most of the things we do arise from mixed motives. The majority of our actions are the result of good and bad reasons blended together. (Only saints can claim to act from pure motives, and I have yet to meet one.) Love is no exception to the reality of mixed motives. When we are in love we bring with us our best and worst qualities. The question "Do you love them because you need them?" is meant to scrutinize how predominant are our worst qualities in a love relationship. We all have some subconscious programming that affects how we choose the ones we love. For people with addictive personalities or seriously low
self-esteem, unhealthy and subconscious programming can be the predominant factor in how they choose the ones they love. If you love someone more because you need them, then beware. You should carefully examine the dynamics of your relationship and why you are attracted to your loved one. You might have some personal issues to work through before you can achieve the kind of love relationship you seek but cannot seem to find. "Do you need them because you love them?" A slight rewording of the question describes a very different situation. In a relationship where two people deliberately choose to become interdependent, the need for each other can become
overwhelming. The difference here is that the good qualities in each person are more predominant in their choice of a loved one.
Good qualities such as trust, honesty, communication, and commitment will outweigh the negative qualities of jealousy, insecurity, and anger. As I mentioned before, love will always have mixed motives and qualities. If you need someone because you love them, then the good qualities should more than compensate for the bad.
