Cheryl and Peter had been single for several years. Both had survived unhealthy relationships in the past, and neither believed they would find a truly intimate relationship. Everything changed when they first met one another. Their first three months together were "heaven on earth" according to Cheryl. It felt like they had known each other for years when they had only known each other for a few weeks. Three months into their relationship problems started developing. The thrill of falling in love had faded, they began to see each other's imperfections and their fights became more frequent. Now they were not sure if they loved each other anymore. What had gone wrong?
Larry and Beth planned to be married once Larry finished college. Their plans were disrupted when Larry survived a serious auto accident. Larry felt he needed to find meaning and purpose in his life before he could marry Beth. He broke their engagement and spent the next several years traveling. After studying philosophy in India and Japan and finding few answers, he drifted back to his hometown and lived with his parents. Larry wandered from one relationship to another, never finding a woman with whom he felt happy. One day he awoke to find that he was 40 years old and very much alone. What had gone wrong in his search for love and purpose in his life?
Kevin and Claire were professors at a small midwestern college. Both were happily married and had families of their own. They developed a close and warm friendship with each other and were very open about it. Kevin and Claire often had lunch together or took walks around the campus. Both of their spouses were aware of their friendship and had no problems with it, but it seemed the students and staff of the college had other ideas. Rumors began circulating that the two of them were having an affair. None of this was true, but the denials made by Kevin and Claire only added fuel to the rumors. Eventually they ended their friendship rather than put up with the incessant rumors. How could the college community be so wrong in their perceptions of the open friendship between Kevin and Claire?
WHY ALL THE CONFUSION?
All of the couples mentioned in the stories above have one thing in common: they are all confused about love. Peter and Cheryl are confused about falling in love which is different from being in love. Larry is confusing a spiritual form of love with romantic love. Expecting to find both in one relationship, he has been unable to find either. Kevin and Claire are the victims of their college community's lack of understanding about friendships between men and women. How can each couple find their way out of confusion about love? The purpose of this book is to answer their questions and confusions about love. But before their confusion can be cleared up we must understand more clearly what we are talking about. What we are talking about are the six different loves.
There are at least six different kinds of love, each with its own distinctive relationship. The six loves are friendship, romance, spiritual, community, marriage and family love. Much of the confusion in relationships comes from looking for the wrong love in the wrong place. Consider the following examples. We may think we are seeking romance with someone when in fact we may be looking for friendship. Many people expect a successful romance to make them happy, but if this is true, why do so many people still feel unhappy even in love? Many religious people feel that they cannot have any friends outside of their religion. Is this really an accurate understanding of the spiritual forms of love and the love of friendship? Some 'pop' forms of therapy tell us that we cannot hope to have a
successful marriage until we deal with the problems from our past. Yet, it seems that the only people we can find as
possible partners all have their own unresolved problems just like us. Is this a cause for hope or hopelessness in finding a partner? To answer these and other questions we must first understand what love is and then carefully look at each of the six different loves.
In this chapter I will offer one possible answer to the question 'How do you know when you are in love?' This is not a question that only interests philosophers, but a very practical question that each of us faces at one time or another. I will offer a definition of love and some principles that I believe all six loves have in common. The following chapters will discuss the characteristics that make each love distinct from the other loves. By sorting out the different loves in this way we can begin to answer some of the questions facing Cheryl and Peter, Larry and Beth and Kevin and Claire. We will return to each of these couples, as well as look at other people very much like them, in the chapters to follow. But for now, I will start with a definition of love.
