Many people describe their romantic partners as their best friends. Is it possible for romantic partners to be best friends? My own feeling is no, because we do not make ourselves as available to best friends as we do to our romantic partners.
Consider once more the case of Kevin and Claire, the two teachers who were friends at the small midwestern college, but who were unfairly suspected of having an affair by the college community. Despite the appearances and rumors about their friendship, they limited their availability to each other. They spent time together while on campus, but hardly saw each other off campus. When they were away from work, they spent most of their time with their families. Their spouses were fully aware of their close friendship and had no problem with it, even though the college community did have problems understanding it.
Kevin and Claire illustrate the differences between best friends and lovers. We do not depend on our best friends for emotional support or physical survival on a daily basis as we do with family or as some might with romantic partners. Since we are not as dependent on best friends, they can give a more objective viewpoint about ourselves. Romantic partners have a hard time being objective about differences of opinion since there is much more at stake emotionally with them. Because of the differences in availability and objectivity between best friends and lovers, it is unrealistic to expect lovers to be best friends. One comedian explained it well. “My wife keeps telling me I am her best friend. But all she does is complain about her husband.”
If lovers cannot be best friends, then it is important to maintain friendships outside of romantic relationships, including opposite-sex friendships. Yet opposite-sex friendships are difficult because people, especially men, confuse intimacy with sex. Can men and women be friends without people, particularly men, confusing sex and intimacy? Yes, if we understand how the ideology of romantic love has helped confuse sex and intimacy.
