Having something in common implies another trait of friendship: respect for one another. In my example of the marching band, the band members respected each other because they worked hard together. You cannot move 230 people up and down a field together unless they can get along. The band members also treated each other as equals because of their mutual love for music. When we choose people to be our friends we generally pick people whom we respect as equals. Lifestyle, social status, values, politics or religion are often factors that determine whether or not we feel a person is our equal.
Combining the traits of something in common along with considering friends our equals, we have one half of the definition of friendship: equal regard. But there is more to friendship that equal regard. In addition to feeling we are equals and have something in common, friendship has the characteristic of respectful distance.
Respectful distance. At various times I have worked in retail department stores. The hours were long and the pay was not great, but what made it bearable was the people with whom I worked. I could not help but learn the life stories of my co-workers. There were students working between semesters, single parents getting by as best they could, and people providing a second income for their families. The ups and downs of each person’s life became a topic for many of our conversations. Yet at the end of our shifts most of us went our separate ways. While we were close at work, there was an unspoken distance between us. We knew we could discuss our personal lives with each other at the store because we did not see each other away from the store. This is an example of the other side of friendship, respectful distance. We have equal regard for each other we are close, but not so close that our lives and plans depend on each other.
The sense of connectedness and level of commitment is distinctly less with friends than it is with family or romantic partners. We do not feel as great an obligation to rush to the aid of friends as we would for a spouse or lover. While we feel some concern and obligation to assist friends, we are not as involved with the everyday details of their lives as we are with family or romantic partners.
A friendship may last weeks, months or years. Friendships of varying lengths come in and out of our lives on a regular basis. Usually we are not disturbed by such transience. We sense this is normal for the majority of our friendships.
While “equal regard with respectful distance” may describe simple friendships, there is one aspect of friendship it does not include. My definition does not account for the special experience of having a best friend. In order to include the experience of having a best friend, I must add one more phrase to my definition of friendship.
Friendship: A love characterized by equal regard with respectful distance, augmented by kindness and solicitude.
Kindness, a gentle caring for others, is a trait I find in all of the different loves. I mention kindness under friendship because friendship is the most basic of all the loves. While kindness is a quality of many friendships, it is critical to a best friendship. But even more than kindness, solicitude is the most distinguishing feature of best friendships. I care enough about my best friends, and they about me, to be solicitous or have a lively concern about each other’s wellbeing. A best friend is someone I can turn to in a crisis or if I want company for no particular reason.
