The greatest pain we all bear is the pain of separation, loneliness, feeling unwanted and forgotten in an impersonal universe. Much of our lives revolve around the endless struggle not to experience this. We tell ourselves that we matter, that love is available, there are an abundance of friends and lovers waiting for us
out there. We go to parties, fall in love, marry, have children, colleagues, business associates, all in an attempt to have the experience of having love and support. When a relationship ends, or if one is having difficulty finding or keeping a love partner, gnawing doubts and fears start to emerge. Questions arise, such as, am I worth loving? Is there something wrong with me? What can I do to make myself more lovable, more attractive to the opposite sex? There is very little a person will not do to assure himself and others that indeed he is a significant person, loved, cared for and admired - that he has not failed at this most precious quest in life – that of being loved.
The Craving To Be Loved
Most relationships are based upon the craving to be loved – not to be loving, but to be loved – to have one's ego and sense of self importance affirmed. This is a quest for approval and validation in the eyes of another, and no matter how much we receive, usually it is never enough.
The more we receive, the deeper the craving grows. For many, the experience of need, dependence, possessiveness, incompleteness or control are thought to be love. The desire, or craving for another person and the intense feelings it can generate are the basis for many relationships. It is easy to see that these feelings are not based in love, as the individual's caught in these webs begin to battle for power, control or constant affirmation, as love turns to hate, and then rejection. From the Zen point of view, this kind love is a trap.
Even when we think we have it, the hungry heart is still not full. An important core of Zenpractice is to dislodge us from addiction to counterfeit forms of love.
Most feel they have lost some thing precious their lives. They have no idea where it has gone or how to retrieve it. Many believe they will find it when they find that one special person or relationship that will take their loneliness away and fill their hungry hearts. But a temporary respite from loneliness cannot give
them what they truly crave. Even if the relationship lasts for many years, sooner or later they must be alone with themselves. The further they search for love outside themselves, and the more they think they've found it, the deeper essential loneliness can grow.
Searching For The Soulmate
Theodore sought his soul mate relentlessly. After corresponding with a woman in Europe for quite some time he decided she must be the one, and planned a trip to meet her.
"Soon I will actually see her," he told his therapist before he left.
When he returned from the trip, he went to see the therapist again. "I was right," he told her.
"She was my soul mate and I asked her to marry me on the second date. I thought time was short and
I'd better let her know how I felt. She turned me down."
The therapist asked him, "What would you have done if she had said yes?"
He said, "I would have had my hands full. But I know that once I have that soulmate, hands full
or not, everything will be beautiful."
This is a fine example of love as a mirage, or a placebo. After going to many different therapists, Theodore finally embarked upon the practice of Zen. His therapists had labeled him neurotic. His Zen Master told him to just "sit".
From a Zen point of view, labeling him neurotic is a judgment, which diminishes possibilities for
him; it implants him in an identity that it may be hard to escape.When he tells his Zen Master he
is relentlessly seeking his soulmate, his Zen Master smiles. "Keep sitting and you will find
it." Of course, what he expects Theodore to find is something different from what Theodore is
expecting.
"The musk is inside the deer, But the deer does not look for it, It wanders around looking for grass," --Kabir
From the Zen view, a soulmate is not someone outside of yourself. It's not an object you find
which will make you whole magically. The longing for a soulmate is not ultimately for a person,
but a longing to end the suffering and separation an individual feels. So, in Zen practice we learn
how to end the suffering. As we do this we find that everyone may be our soulmate - or that we're
with our soulmate right now. We may even greet our soulmate when we see the sun shine through
the window or the children playing on the streets.
This is not a rejection of human relationships, but when love is turned into a substance to provide security or end suffering, this kind of love is considered counterfeit. When we think we're going to have a perfect situation with any person, inevitably, we will be disappointed and hurt. Life and relationships are about one thing only; change, change, change. As they live lonely lives, searching for love or desperately trying to cling to what they've found, many become hopeless about ever finding fulfillment. No matter how many people they know, or relationships they have been in, as time passes and change happens they feel fundamentally alone.
This is an excerpt from the new book Zen Miracles by Dr. Shoshanna. Click here to learn more about the book and the author: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/zen
