Have you ever noticed how incredibly focused a man can sometimes become? Whether it's his career, a particular problem, or a response to stress on the home front, men seem to have an uncanny ability to focus solely on one thing, and one thing alone. While this single-minded awareness can make men incredibly determined and efficient, it can also make them oblivious to the needs of others. Consequently, when a man is focused on a particular task or problem, he may not notice the signs of growing distress in his environment, family, relationship, or even within his own body.
At MarsVenus.com, we often hear women lament that they feel temporarily abandoned by an overly focused partner. Particularly when it comes to career goals, men can become so involved in a project, or stressed-out by a problem, that they leave their partner feeling unimportant and ignored. As one Mars Venus reader put it, "He's been so wrapped up in his problems that he could probably walk into the house, step over my dead body, and keep on going without even noticing!" Feelings like these are true red flags that resentment and painful feelings are brewing!
The truth is that there are normal biological reasons why men and women react to stress so differently...
Biology 101:
Generally speaking, men's brains tend to perform tasks predominantly with the left side, which is the logical/rational side of the brain. Women, on the other hand, use both sides of their brains because a woman's brain has a larger corpus collosum, which means that women can transfer data between the right and left hemispheres faster than men. While this does not mean that women are more likely to be in their "right mind," it does illuminate why men tend to approach communication more often with a task-oriented, "let's fix the problem," state of mind, while women tend to be more creative and aware of feelings in their communication style.
Because women tend to seek the support of others during times of stress, it can be frustrating for them to deal with a non-communicative man who is tightly wound. Asking him to talk about what is going on will not work in this situation and the best support a woman can give is to accept that he is doing his best and trust that he will open up to the relationship in good time.
What's a girl to do?
First, remember that it's not your fault. Men often become overly focused on tasks because their brains are hardwired to focus on one thing at a time. This may not be such a big deal when a man is simply consumed by a hobby, but it can feel like a much bigger problem if he's under stress in more critical areas like work. The rule of thumb is that the bigger the stress, the more focused and withdrawn he will become. Frequently, this also means that he will have less energy to devote to things unrelated to his stress.
Second, remember that a man's self esteem is often affected by his ability to solve problems. Men commonly remove themselves from situations when they do not have a solution for a stressful problem. Women, on the other hand, usually want to talk about the problems. Under stress, men and women often have exact opposite reactions: he wants to remain quiet and contemplative until he either needs help or has a solution, whereas she will want to talk until she finds a solution. For him, talking increases his stress, and for her, it releases it. Again, just one more example of how men are from Mars and women are from Venus!
Given these differences, the healthiest thing a woman can do is to gauge how important it is to interact with her partner. If a woman can get her emotional needs filled by friends and other loved ones and simply has to endure missing her guy for a little while, and the end result is the same, the rule of thumb is to give the guy some space. If the problem is such that she can't solve it without him, then it's time to instigate a conversation. Make sure to keep in mind that he may resist communicating if he's not ready.
When tunnel vision sets in, it's often a sign of a man naturally regulating his stress level. Most men intuitively know that they need space and distraction from stress in order to feel better. Because this reaction is so different from what most women feel, it can be the cause of unnecessary problems in a relationship. Women have a lot of power here to help encourage a man to come back to her faster. Chasing, cajoling, and even manipulating are all sure-fire ways to ensure that he will stay away longer. If a woman feels that she needs something from her guy that he's not giving her, her best move is to ask for what she needs in a way that he is open to hearing.
Have you ever noticed how incredibly focused a man can sometimes become? Whether it's his career, a particular problem, or a response to stress on the home front, men seem to have an uncanny ability to focus solely on one thing, and one thing alone. While this single-minded awareness can make men incredibly determined and efficient, it can also make them oblivious to the needs of others. Consequently, when a man is focused on a particular task or problem, he may not notice the signs of growing distress in his environment, family, relationship, or even within his own body.
