Dating and the Pursuit of Happiness
ONE: CHOICES
by Dolah Saleh A part of us keeps thinking that our worth as a human being will be determined by the desirability of the mate we are able to attract. … (We) look for a person who throws (us) into a trance, and hope that when (we) come out of the trance, he turns out to be someone (we) can like. — Harold S. Kushner, How Good Do We Have to Be?
From the time we begin thinking of romance, we start to form tiny descriptive pictures in out head. Like pieces of a puzzle, we continue to add to this picture, ultimately resulting in a complete sketch including everything from what our perfect person looks like, to their occupation, the kind of car they drive, even what activities we will enjoy together.
By the time we are in our twenties, this picture comes into relatively good focus. We think we know what we want and need. We must have this; we will not take that. We are selective and we should be. Partnership and commitment are not necessarily predominant in our minds, however. We have other things with which we are concerned, like career, travel and mostly just hanging out with friends. After all, we will never be this free again, once we settle down and take on the serious responsibilities of a monogamous relationship and starting a family.
By our late twenties, if we remain unmarried, our perspective starts to change. We have usually had many dates by then and have learned a thing or two… even if it is what we absolutely do NOT want. Given a choice, between who some of our friends have married and no one, we would rather remain single! Generally, we still expect that what happened to our friends and their marriages will never happen to us, and so we remain open and optimistic.
Our thirties arrive too soon and even in these modern times, the pressure from well-intentioned friends and family escalates. We would not get so anxious if we were left alone, but here comes Mom with her cautionary reminders about how we are certainly not getting any younger. Aunt Mary, Cousin Sue and dear ol’ Grandma warn us about ‘being alone’ … “You don’t want to spend your whole life alone do you?” “Time is passing you by, your friends are passing you by, my God, life is passing you by!” Date Note
There are all kinds of thoughts and stereotypes about those who have never been married by the time they reach their forties or fifties. Are we “confirmed bachelors and bachelorettes?” Gay? Perhaps we are anti-social, selfish, or just plain “weird.” No one would ever choose to be single, would they? No, something must be wrong… By the time we reach this age, we are referred to as spinsters or old maids.
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